Man, I hate the Yankees.

It's getting down to it in baseball's 2006 season, and for once -- for the first time since I was eight years old in fact -- the Tigers are IN. And just like the last time they made the 'yoffs, their nemesis is the Minnesota Twins. The two teams are battling it out for the American League Central Division title right now and it's anybody's trophy. But does it really matter? I don't think so. The Yankees are just too good. It's not pessimism on my part, it's realism. I don't think any team has the pitching to beat them. Their hitters are too selective and too smart. The Twins maybe could have beaten them in a five-game series with Liriano and Radke healthy, but not anymore. The Tigers could have beaten them in a short series back in June, but not now. New York is too hot right now. And I hate them.

I don't hate them because they're good, and I don't hate them because everyone and their dog seems to like the Yankees including our church pastor. I don't hate them because they're a "love 'em or hate 'em" team and I have to hate them by default since my love is obviously for Detroit baseball, and I don't hate them because they have such a rich tradition with like 3 billion World Series titles and I want someone else to have a chance. No, I hate them because they BUY all their talent. Granted, this is why many people tend to dislike the Yankees -- the fact that it's such a business with them, and they operate in a "he who dies with the most toys wins" environment that hangs like an irreversible dark cloud over the head of professional baseball...but does anyone know EXACTLY how bad it really is?

Here's how bad: The Yankees' team payroll is $198,662,180. Next in line is Boston, at $120,100,524. Allow me to do the math -- New York's team payroll is $68,561,656 more than the second-highest paid team in baseball -- nearly the same amount as the entire payroll of the San Diego Padres ($68,897,179 - 17th overall). Which team is paid the least, you ask? The Florida Marlins make $14,344,500 as a team. Five Yankee players make more than that amount.

Alex Rodriguez (NYY) makes $25,680,727 a year, making him the highest paid baseball player in the majors. Guess what -- he makes almost double what the Marlins entire team makes. The Yanks have 22 players on their roster that make a $1 million or more. The Marlins have two. The funny thing is that the Marlins have the same amount of World Series titles (2) since 1997 that New York does in that time, and the Marlins have the lone no-hitter in the last three years, thrown by Anibal Sanchez, a guy that's pretty much making the league minimum. The Yankees have nine pitchers that make over $1M (three that make over $10M), yet their best pitcher this season is making $353,175.

Is it necessary to pay these jerks this much? Obviously big payrolls don't necessarily mean titles. They just mean a lot of attention and the support of most of the city of New York, which for some is important I guess. If the Yankees win it all this season (and I predict they will), the only thing that will happen is player salaries will go up. So while I'm cheering for the Tigers in this year's postseason, I won't be nearly as depressed if they lose as I will be if my prediction comes true. Not just because the championship will belong to a bunch of greedy, pinstriped meatheads, but because America will continue to feed the monster that is professional sports by attending the jacked-up playoff games.

Now where are my Twins-Tigers ALCS tickets????? I'll pay anything!

Dog Brain.

I was eating lunch at home this week, I had just made a sandwich and stood at the counter to eat, listening to my iPod. When I looked over at a box of dog biscuits my mind started to wander...

The box reads, "Hy-Vee Snack Biscuits...for dogs." Then in smaller type it says, "Chicken, beef, bacon, vegetable and peanut butter snack biscuits." On the box is a picture of a cocker spaniel looking like he would do anything for one of these treats. He is surrounded by "actual size" images of the bone-shaped biscuits.

So do we really need to mention on this box that they're "for dogs?" Are humans really this stupid? Does Hy-Vee think that anyone in their right mind would:
1. Have a craving for a chicken- or beef-flavored snack? I mean, it's obviously not jerky. It's in a box that (if it were intended for humans) is about the size of your standard Cheez-It or Wheat Thins box and would probably be in the same aisle. Would people really think this was a potentially delicious snack?
2. Actually buy something to eat adorned with the image of a live dog? Not a cartoon dog mind you, which COULD confuse kids or really dumb college students (if it were cheap enough). I could see it being mistaken for cereal if there were a cartoon dog on the front, but then again you get into the "chicken, beef, bacon, vegetable" flavorings that are not fit for pouring milk on at 8 a.m.
3. Be tempted by bone-shaped food labeled "biscuits?" Anyone who's ever bought anything knows that if there's a picture of a real dog on the package and the food is shaped like BONES, IT'S FOR DOGS. Even if you can't read, you know what's in this box is for Fido and not you.

Regardless, I tried one. It was awfully salty.